One of My Fears Is

It’s an instructive exercise—at once revealing and cathartic—to write down my fears. If I scribble them out in an unconscious stream and allow them, in this way, to come to consciousness, my fears have less control than they might otherwise have. I sat down and wrote out a page of them this morning:

One of my fears is that everything I write is nonsense

One of my fears is that people will see me for the fraud I am

One of my fears is that I won’t live to finish the job

One of my fears is that people will think I’m stupid

One of my fears is that I won’t know what to say

One of my fears is that I’m not smart enough’

One of my fears is that I’m not good enough

One of my fears is that everyone is better than I am

One of my fears is that no one will like me

One of my fears is dying a painful death

One of my fears is of being buried alive

One of my fears is that my computer will crash

One of my fears is that everyone sees through me

One of my fears is having pain

One of my fears is being ignored

One of my fears is that I won’t be heard

One of my fears is being hurt

One of my fears is not being able to see the truth

One of my fears is that I can’t control my appetite

One of my fears is leaving things unfinished

One of my fears is boredom

One of my fears is having too much to do

One of my fears is losing my mind

One of my fear is losing control of my physical functions

One of my fears is attack by a stranger

One of my fears is forgetting myself

One of my fears is not knowing what to do

One of my fears is being worthless

One of my fears is exposing myself to danger

One of my fears is not taking the risk

One of my fears is being too nice

One of my fears is giving in to others

One of my fears is losing my own boundaries

One of my fears is seeming ignorant

One of my fears is an accident on the freeway

One of my fears is doing harm to others

One of my fears is being lazy

One of my fears is being incompetent

One of my fears is losing respect

One of my fears is losing everything

One of my fears is about money

One of my fears is that I haven’t done anything with my life

One of my fears is dying without leaving a trace

One of my fears is that I’m wasting my time with writing

One of my fears is that my writing is worth nothing

One of my fears is that I won’t have time to write

One of my fears is that I can’t have fun

One of my fears is that being playful is a waste of time…

And so on, and so on…. When I look them over, after writing them without a thought, I can see the patterns that emerge, and I can see the foolishness of many—though not all!—of them. I can begin to see what might be holding me back and improve my chances of letting them go. It’s when they stand behind me, in my shadow, that my fears can very easily manipulate me into actions and behavior that are not in my best interests. They can very easily restrict my possibilities and condemn me to a life under their control.

Best to remember, too, that my fears often have my best interests at heart. They really do, for example, want to prevent me from making a fool of myself. If I repress or deny them, they will find a way to work their will. So the trick is to acknowledge them—but not necessarily to follow their advice. Sometimes a simple, “Thanks. But not now,” is all that’s needed.Followed, as always, by a conscious breath…